


i loved her, and sometimes, she loved me too

by korrasamis (orphan_account)



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, Pining, lots of pining, my lame attempt at prose lmao i tri ed, no beta because i like to write at the most inconvenient times possible, slightly unrequited love???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-30
Updated: 2015-03-30
Packaged: 2018-03-20 09:06:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3644625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/korrasamis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>tell me the story of how the sun loved the moon so much she died every night to let her breath</p>
            </blockquote>





	i loved her, and sometimes, she loved me too

**Author's Note:**

> my lame attempt at prose(hint: it does not go well)  
> ALSO: the {} are written in second person as that sort of "conscious/naggy voice" type thing so yea

{you try not to love her. you really try. but love is a funny thing that guts its victims in a dark alley and leaves them defenseless, to sort out these feelings alone.}

It’s not that she’s Clarke. If she was just Clarke-i-accidentally-stole-your-boyfriend-Griffin, life would be much easier. She’d feel like hot sting of betrayal deep in her stomach for a couple of weeks and then time would slowly work its magic and she’d be okay again. Raven was used to that. She was used to the way the pathetic sadness filled her up and how one day she’d just burst like a balloon and then she’d be fine again. It was almost mechanic, like breathing.

But she’s not just Clarke. She’s Clarke-of-the-sky-people Clarke. She’s I-bear-it-so-they-don’t-have-to Clarke. She’s I-might-be-in-love-with-Lexa Clarke. And most importantly, to Raven, she’s I’d-pick-you-first Clarke.

{how pathetic was she? locking up those words in the treasure chest of her heart as if Clarke said those words out of anything but guilt?}

From a young age Raven had gotten used to fending for herself. An absent father and an abuse excuse of a mother only did so much. She used to dream of the stars, of earth, of maybe a day where she had a loving family, maybe with Finn, somewhere down there. {poor little space girl. dreaming of better days}

Raven would be loved, and more importantly, she’d be a better parent than her mother ever was and she would be content. {funny enough loneliness was always your constant companion}

Raven remembered the first time she laid eyes on Clarke. When she was about 13 she wandered down the wrong hall into the better portion of her section, and there she was, playing chess and laughing with an older man in front of her, from the looks of it her father. A woman in a labcoat came by then. When Clarke saw her, she saw her eyes light up in ways that made Raven’s heart feel hollow. She looked like a beautiful blonde princess out of those fairy books she used to own before her mom pawned them off for moonshine. Clarke is the picture of everything Raven wanted in life. {maybe that’s what really drew you to her, she was everything you weren’t}

Looking at her now, she was anything but the picture of health and happiness she saw in that room all those years ago. Her shoulders were weary with war and her eyes were clouded with guilt. The ground had changed her, it changed everyone, but she could see it in Clarke the most. Maybe it was the way the dying fire shadowed her face, or the dark, dark bags under her eyes. Raven wants to reach out and touch her then, hold her in her arms and tell her she’s forgiven, that she’s _good_ because when has Clarke ever not been good? When has Clarke not been compassionate and loving and so Clarke? But she stays put. She’s still weak from the extraction and her limbs feel like jelly. Wick carries her into her tent and kisses her forehead and she tries her best not to pull away, her mind far, far away. {she didn’t even throw a second glance at you during the surgery. what makes you think she cares about you half as much as you care about her??}

So when she shows up in your tent at midnight and kisses your forehead and mumbles some words in Trigedasleng only to find you awake, you panic. Clarke tries to explain, say that she’s not going back to Camp Jaha, how she couldn’t do that, couldn’t live with herself for what she’d done at Mount Weather, and how she only came to say goodbye. {she cares enough about you to say goodbye} Raven had never seen her like this, so desperate and scared and so goddamned _wracked_ with guilt it felt like someone had poured ice into her veins. So she did something she learned not to do a long time ago, she acted on impulse.

The kiss was sudden and fast and probably the worst timing Raven ever had in her entire life but she couldn’t care less because she was kissing Clarke fucking Griffin and Clarke fucking Griffin was kissing her back. She tasted like war and tears and for a long time after they just stood there, lips barely grazing each other and all Raven could try to do was whisper desperate words of comfort, telling her she was forgiven, that it couldn’t be helped, that there were no other choices to make. But she just shook her head with a ghost of a smile tracing her lips and kissed her once more, this time an apology laced in before leaving Raven alone in the tent.

Clarke had always been the sun in contrasts to Raven’s moon. Radiant and alive and headstrong, and so within Raven’s reach, and yet so far away. So when she kissed her, for a moment, she was in her grasp and she could feel fire in her veins and Clarke’s light filling the crater shaped holes in her heart and she felt alive, and then she was gone, leaving the world dark once again.

{you fucking hate her, you hate her so fucking much but you cant even find the courage to damn her to hell because you love her so fucking much that your heart feels too big for your chest and your head is too light on your shoulders and you would give up your world in a heartbeat for her. and you _like_ it}

 


End file.
